Losing Myself...

The last few days have really been hard for me and I think it’s because I’m losing myself or as Fergie would say, “I’m losing my ground.” I think that I find myself lost in everyday life that I sometimes forget about myself. It’s so DEMANDING trying to work, be a mother, a friend, go to school, and also try to find time for myself that I am losing myself. I am sure someone would say to me that this is apart of life, and I can understand that but I don’t want it to be apart of my life. I do not want to live my life knowing that I am losing myself and causing myself stress and pain, because I don’t think that’s healthy. I find myself shedding a tear sometimes because I feel like I am trapped and I can’t get out!! I wonder if it’s because I’m a loner and tend to be by myself if that is why I feel like I’m losing my ground. People around me tend to say whatever comes to their minds and I just look and smile, because I truly believe that I have lost my energy for REALLY SNAPPING ON PEOPLE!!! I just really regret the day that someone crosses me and piss me off, because there are a lot of things inside me that can potentially come out on the wrong person. I have internal battles with myself and I know I am my own worse enemy, so I really do not need the help of others who tend to want to judge me and my situation. In the mist of my battles I am losing myself and I am trying to hold on with dear life, because I know in my heart it’s going to change!! Some may look at me and think that I am some kind of SUPERWOMAN and I guess in some ways that is what I am, but on the inside I am looking to really pack up my daughter and me and just leave, and go somewhere far away and just start over. Again, I truly think that I am losing myself in life and I have to get myself back together again and modify ME!! Guess as I always tell my Ace IT’S ALL IN DUE TIME!!!!







Till next time this is my E! True Hollywood Story... Sending peace, encouragement, and blessings your way!!


T-Watt (Toni)

Good Intentions...

I am not sure how much sense this blog is going to make but I must get it out of my head before I go crazy!!! LOL!!! Not really though...
I really think that if a person does not have good intentions for your life then I don't think that person (male/female) should be apart of your life. If someone is trying to better themselves why is it people want to think that you changed, because you want something more from life. I can not sit around and be "bored" because I have to many things that I am trying to do right now in my life to better myself and also to be able to provide a good life for my daughter. When trying to move in a direction that God has over your life if someone can not understand your movement then I think it is time to reevaluate your relationships with the people in your life. Sometimes people tend to want to keep the same people in their circle when that person or people is not really beneficial to you or your life. Trust me I know this is the hardest thing that someone has to do, because I think I am getting ready to do it myself but I know for my blessing to come I have to remove negative enegry and people who don't really have good intentions for me.
Goodness, this is going to be interesting how this plays out, but I guess I better do it now and I guess over time the hurt will pass and I'll be okay!! Hey, I've been alright all this time so for me I can wave good-bye and when we can move together as a unit then maybe things will make sense again, but for right now I have to move forward and continue to focus on the future I am making for myself and my daughter.

This is all for me tonight... Til next time this is my E! True Hollywood Story... Stay tuned....

T-Watt (Toni)

Crazy Day...

Today was a VERY crazy day first starting off with a conversation that I had with co-worker, then I come home and my daughter was throwing up everyway so I had to handle that, and then lastly my uncle and his crazy wife go at it and now he's in jail. CRAZY, I tell you!!!
I really don't have much to blog about except that while I was dealing with Karis and her sickness my honey was there the whole time for me and was giving me words of encouragement, it was a great feeling. Its nothing like having a guy who is caring and who is there no matter what, and I am truly happy to have him in my life. Prayfully, this is the move that God wants me to make and I am truly enjoying this relationship that we have and I am thankful for him everyday. I just wish sometimes that I had a crystal ball just to see where my life will be and who I'll be with but of course I know that can't happen, because only God knows the order of my footsteps. This young man truly makes me happy and I feel SO comfortable around him, and then the way he deals with Karis is funny, but great at the same time. I can really say this is the one time in a while that I have dealt with someone that makes sense and wants to grow into more and share a life with me. I definitely still take this one day at a time and try to remain positive because I know how can I be at times. I am just going to enjoy the ride and enjoy him and where him and I end up who knows, but I am excited about the journey!!!

Til next time my followers this is my E! True Hollywood Story....
Signing off with much love,
T-Watt (Toni)

Seeing It Through My Eyes..

So last night I went out to Central Station in Eastpoint, and let me remind you I have not been out there for a year now. Well, as I was in Central Station it just didn't move me how it would of a year ago. I guess if people could see what I saw through my eyes then maybe people would have different perspective on what I’m feeling and how I was looking at people. Not that I am passing judgment on anyone so let me make that perfectly clear, but I think that where I am right now the Station isn’t the place for me anymore. I saw women walking around half dressed (let’s remember it was 20 degrees outside last night), guys sagging out of control, fights, and just a lack of representation of themselves. I guess in my mind I wonder if people ever take life seriously and grow up and work on being a better person. I can understand most get out on the weekend to rid themselves of the stress of the week, and I get like that too, but not to the point where I am losing myself and my morals, values, and ethics. I can look back over my life and be thankful, because the decision I’ve made may not have all been the best decisions, but they were learning decisions and I can truly embrace that. Guess the root of the problem for me is that as race we are SO LOST!!! We live by these rap songs and what we see on television versus just living for ourselves and making US happy, now we have to live for other people. I must admit there was a time in my life that people’s opinions of me made me want to change and live to make them happy and like me. As I got older and out of high school I really could careless what the next person said about me or what opinion they drew of me, because until ANYONE can get to know me then you don’t know me at all!!! I believe that’s why I can put high school ways behind me and keep moving forward, because people in high school didn’t know me and heck I didn’t even really know them because we ALL are different people, and grow into the person we are going to become as an adult. So until you truly get to know a person when asked by someone oh you know Toni, just respond by saying I know of Toni. Because honestly, there are not many people that really KNOW Toni or KNOW everyone they are cool with for that matter, you just merely know of that person.




I’m saying all this to say that it saddens me at times the way WE conduct ourselves as individuals and the way we chose to handle our situations. My grandmother use to say just mind your own and live long, and I really never took heed to what she was saying, but now as an adult (knocking on 30) I can really understand what she means by that, totally!!! People think I’m heartless, nonchalant, and that I don’t care etc but really all it is that I chose not to engage in the madness and I can not live my life contingent on what the next person thinks or says about me. I express to my readers to just focus on your position in life and live it the way that God planned for you to live it, and as hard as it can be don’t worry about the next person and their thoughts or views about you. Let’s just make better life decisions and look toward your future not just the present, because God willing you’ll have SO much living to do, so begin to Reposition Yourself!!!



Til next time…. This is my E! True Hollywood Story!!!



Many blessings guys and gals,

T-Watt (Toni)

The New Year!! 2010!!

Well, it's a new year and man 2009 brought along a lot of life lessons, pain, happiness, stress, and also finding my true self. I can not complain about this last year because it was definitely a year for learning and boy have I learned a lot. LOL!!! Since 2010, is here and I am only in the first day of 2010 it started off pretty well and I am excited to see what this year brings me. I didn't make any New Year Resolution's because that is not me and I truly believe people make these "false" promises to themselves and never end up doing what they say they are going to do, seems quiet pointless to me. I do know that I am going to continue to strive to be a better ME, be the best mother that I can be to Karis, finish up my Masters, continue to look to God for guidance and understanding because without it I know I'm lost, and lastly really give this relationship with Mike a REAL try, because he is truly a gift and I enjoy us.

So as I go into 2010 with an open mind and an open heart I pray that my life begins to get put back into focus and that I enjoy ME again, and embrace happiness because I deserve it!!! I always have to do the hardest thing EVER and that is reevaluate the people in my life (both male and female) and embrace the change that is coming over me. Some of the people who I think are my friends I believe they mean well, but they really aren't my friends for real and I can see the change in me and in them when it comes to our friendship(s) so with that I am open to my new friends and also to the old ones who have shown NOTHING but support and love for me. So let me wrap this up before I go off on another subject, LOL I may save that topic for another blog. LMBO!!! I wish nothing but the best (for those who are reading my blog) to everyone in 2010 and keep your focus and in 2010 just strive to be a better YOU!! Love you guys and gals... Til next time this is my E! True Hollywood Story!!! 

Oh yeah, I will definitely maintain my blog more by keeping you all updated!!!

Always love and peace,
T-Watt